THESE ARE THE THOUGHTS RACING, TIPTOEING, STUMBLING AND WANDERING THROUGH MY MIND.
One hundred and eleven [bodies]
but, for now, I’m content with mine.
…
I would love to have sex to the pulsing, throb of moaning cellos strings.
…
Cellos are sexy. Today, I would like to thank the world for letting me see myself as a cello. I feel ashamed saying it, conceited and haughty, but I am not so I forget that thought and stare at the glass. I wait.
* * *
*lyrics unavailable -Break of Reality. Solid Ground
Gulag Orkestar. Beirut. Postcards from Italy.
“And I would love to that day, that day is mine, when she will marry me outside with the willow trees. And play the songs we made they made me so and I would love to see that day. Her day was mine.”
One hundred and nine [Columbines]
When I think about standing up to face my death, my sadness comes less directly from departing this beautiful earth, and more from permanently leaving your embrace.
* * *
“I see and I touch your face. I fall into your embrace. When the time is right I know, you’ll be in my arms.” -Laura Fabian. Adagio
One hundred and eight [run-ins]
Even when it is easier than is has been in months, it isn’t easy. Nothing about the us that exists in the world today is easy. It never has been; I just thought you cared enough to preserve those two letters.
…
I hate that you still hurt me. I hate me for it, but I hate you for it more.
…
It would be easier if I actually hated you but I do not and I do not think I can.
* * *
“I could stay if that’s what you want. I’d give it to you if I had a heart and we could go and never look back on now.” -Ceo Lo Green. What Part of Forever
One hundred and seven [forecasts]
Just as the weather did not expect to be blinded by April second’s glorious warmth, I never anticipated the glow my sun-kissed soul would emanate from your soft lips.
* * *
“Oh, our love is better than before. Come take my hand, don’t ever let it go.” -Armand Margjeka. Alive
One hundred and ten [schedules]
Of late, I have realized that I, quite commonly, ponder over your schedule, time and engagements, more than my own.
I wake up and realize you’re not laying beside me.
I dress and consider what you’ll like.
I eat and look around for you, knowing full well you’re still asleep, still asleep for forty five minutes, as a matter of fact.
I arrive after my 8 AM four minutes early, knowing you’ll arrive in two to three minutes.
I consider how much work you have and judge whether you’ll go to your room and work (fair amount of work), go to the library and work (a paper or two due this week), or come snuggle into bed with me (some work but you’ve been working a lot so to hell with it—let’s nap).
I either fall asleep alone knowing that I’ll get more sleep, but sad that the warmth of your body won’t lull me to sleep, or you crawl in beside me and we sleep together.
I head to lunch at 12:30 or so so that I can see you before you head to class at 1:40. You like taking your time at meals generally. My phone has usually chirped at me by now, letting me know that you are indeed heading to eat.
We eat and you head to class in Miller. Three of your four classes are in there. I love that tomorrow instead of dropping you off, you’ll pick me up after class.
After class you generally work and do your own thing until dinner. It’s good for me to get work done, too.
Then we dine and it all wraps back into how much work you’ve got. Library (that’s been more popular lately) for a few hours before rehearsal probably. You always come find me though. I love that. When the door clicks open and I look up to see you entering “our” room. We try to get some homework done but that’s nearly impossible, so we just smile like idiots, our smiles painted on by our hearts’ frantic beating.
You’ll head back to your room for something or another and next time you enter you’re wearing PJ pants and I know you’re spending the night. I love that you don’t need to ask, that it just is. It is domestic and it is us.
I fall asleep in your arms after we compromise our waking times and set the alarm.
Sleep cradles us more softly than even your arms and I lay blissfully happy in your embrace for the hours until dawn.
I hate thinking about the day when inference and chance sightings will clue me into your schedule, rather than the daily flurry of messages and planned dates. I hate thinking about not being with you for a few hours when I nap, for the weekend on your retreat, for the summer months, for a semester while we study abroad, for the rest of our lives when this paragon of love is shattered along with my heart.
Sleep well. You said you were headed to bed 26 minutes ago and along with your mention of breakfast, I know when I’ll see you next. Hopefully, I can close my eyes and see you sooner. I love you.
* * *
“And I will love to see that day, that day is mine, when she will marry me outside with the willow trees.” -Beirut. Postcards From Italy
Thank you Beirut. Let’s walk together on this Lon Gisland in the glorious, Scenic World.
Take my hand [Armand Margjeka] and don’t ever let it go [for we together are Alive].
One hundred and six [episodes]
“The One With Rachel’s Going Away Party”
Season 10,
Episode 16.
I adore this moment. I don’t care that it’s fake and Hollywood. It is perfect:
“Rachel: Because it is too damn hard Ross. I can’t even begin to explain to you how much I’m gonna miss you. When I think about not seeing you every day, it makes me not want to go… Okay, so if you think that I didn’t say goodbye to you because you don’t mean as much to me as everybody else, you’re wrong. It’s because you mean more to me. So there, all right, there’s your goodbye…”
* * *
“I’ll be there for you…” -FRIENDS theme
